The Counselor- The shittiest movie I have ever seen.

    Today I saw a movie so terrible, I must immortalize it's impact of awfulness on my life. Which is to say I have a new standard for shitty movies, a scale beginning with the Counselor at 0/10.

You think with all these big names actors, it couldn't be completely awful. You'd be wrong.

    I went into this movie with middling hopes. I liked Riddley Scott enough, and No Country for Old Men enough, plus the trailer made this movie appear to be a fun ride of violence and sex. I got no fun, but there was violence, and sex . . . with a car. Cameron Diaz's stunt double fucks the windshield of a Ferrari, and cums on it. What the flying fuck. Seriously, this movie feels like a bunch of random scenes, poorly held together with characters overlaping.
        The movie begins with an awkward sex scene between the titular Counselor( Michael Fassbender), and Penelope Cruz. I don't think anyone other than a few of the leads had names, and I can't be asses to look them up at this juncture in time. Or ever.  Then it manages to become an incoherent pain ride, much like being dragged by a car through five miles of broken glass.I would prefer the glass dragging than ever watching this again.
     Somehow the Counselor gets involved in a plot to smuggle cocaine, though its never explained how. He just is, for some fucking reason. The spiky haired Mexican guy is some sort of drug lord who fucks Cameron Diaz, and hangs out with Cheetahs. The cheetahs are the only good part of this film, trust me, and they're on screen for like 2 minutes tops. What follows is a drug shipment getting stolen, and lots of decapitating. Death too, because everyone in this film should suffer for being involved in it. Let me give you the run down- Brad Pitt ? Dead. Spiky Haired Mexican ? Dead. Penelope Cruz ? Dead. Random Motorcycle Mexican ? Dead. Most of them by decapitation. Since I suppose its edgy or some shit.
    The film felt like a bunch of film students got together with four other groups of film students, filmed a bunch of scenes randomly with one or two characters overlapping, and edited it all together, and called it a day. People basically are introduced to poorly forward the plot, and usually to die, again by decapitation. Awesome. I really don't understand how a movie with so many good actors could be so fucking awful. There's no tits either, guess you're stuck re-watching Vanilla Sky to see Penelope Cruz's funbags. It can't be helped.

    Yay for boobs. The Counselor - -47/10. Fuck you, it's a number.