It's time to D-D-D-D-Duel! Duel with my stomach, and it's insistence that I don't each so much processed junk! I say fuck you stomach, you take this food and love it. First up is the delicious Monster Energy drink Ultra blue. Who doesn't love blue drinks ? Communists, that's who! And you aren't a Communist right ? Plus it says Ultra, and who didn't love Malibu's short lived Ultraverse comics ? I loved Prime and Hardcase anyway, and maybe drinking this will give me ultra powers!
The can is a blue recolor of the Monster Ultra Zero, complete with embosses designs, though I think the paragraph on the side is different. I'm too lazy to walk to my car, so maybe someday I'll check and update this. It's a nicer color though when poured out of the can than Ultra Zero, I dig the shade of pale blue. Still, it's a drink, not a women. It has to prove its worth by tasting great! And does it ? No! It tastes like NOS Energy drink, a pineapple concoction with a hint of blue raspberry. I know blue raspberry isn't a real fruit, but veggies and fruits are for dirty hippies who can't handle eating the flesh of weaker creatures. Anyway this drink kind of sucks, but if you like pineapple and the color blue more than your average folk, this one's for you! Luckily I'm super strong and fast, so I did not need to receive Ultra powers. Monster Ultra Blue 6/10
Rolling along downhill on this review train next is a large staple of my processed meat diet- the legendary Aldi's Sausage.
Yes, I know it doesn't say Aldi's on the box, and they sell these cheap ass sausages everywhere but Aldi's sausage is a funnier title than Breakfast Best's sausage. These are basically the cheapest sausages you can buy, and my dad buys them in large quantities. I have never seen him eat any, so I can only fathom that he expects me to eat them all. Well, myself and the Dingo. Here's what these bad boys appear as when taken right out of the freezer:
Yum, generic gray logs of meat! My mouth is watering already! You throw them in the microwave for roughly a minutes and they gain a slight tan:
Now they have transformed into brown logs of meat! Fuck yes! Ignore the grease sandwich, it's coming in the next segment of reviewage! These sausages are pretty gross, I will not lie. They taste like salt, and are chewier than any meat should be. Luckily, growing up with a mother who can't cook has prepared me for this:
I douse them in maple syrup, and it covers all the taste away. Now they are delicious maple syrup covered turds. Yep, I have no idea how I'm alive either. Aldi's sausage-4/10
Since I'm sure the tantalizing image of the delicious grease sandwich has made your mouth water, and you're just about to run out and buy a box. But wait! Are they good ? Well your bestest buddy Gypsy Dangerr is about to tell you!
They're really called Jimmy Dean Croissant sanwiches, with sausage, egg, and cheese. I have been eating these for close to ten years, and I will never get sick of them. My dad always buys them in bulk at Sam's club or B.J.s. Which is obviously what you should do too! Preferably at Sam's club, as that is where Dino Nuggets reside. Make sure you pick me up a box! I'll tell you hilarious stories in exchange and hand out with you!
The nickname grease sandwich comes from the grease the sausage secretes while being microwaved. It causes the sandwich to slide apart:
Ignore my messy kitchen. Doesn't this look appetizing ? You bet your sweet ass it does! I usually put it back together, it's easier to eat that way.
Now that is a good looking sandwich! Not on par with Mcdonalds delicious Egg Mcmuffins, or MCGriddle, but those cost money and require wearing pants. Nothing is worth those two sacrifices. The taste of this is pretty simple: Salt and cheese. There is a slight hint of bread, but its overwhelmed by saltiness. It's such an extremely chewy substance, that it requires minimal effort to masticate. Teehee. Jimmy Dean's grease sammich-6/10
The creepy thing about the Aldi's sausage and grease sandwich is that I swear we were out, then BAM! There was a single sandwich and half a box of sausage in the fridge. It looks like the ghost of Christmas past wanted me to eat them, and share their greatness with you! Next time it may finally be time for my beloved Dino Nuggets. My dad has been slacking, so it may be up to me to procure a box.
Also these are fucking delicious and i was going to review them, but what can you say about Buffalo Chicken Strips ? Here's the pictures I took anyway. shit is delicious. Tyson Buffalo Chicken Strips-10/10!
So all together now:
Monster Ultra Blue 6/10
Aldi's sausage-4/10
Jimmy Dean's grease sammich-6/10
Tyson Buffalo Chicken Strips-10/10!
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