"EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. ITS CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECRO BASTARDS OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXY’S MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JERKS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNING. THEN I LIFT"
What a brilliant work of art that is, I hope someday I can churn out something half as good as it. I any case, down to Riddick. I went into this film expecting a piece of utter ass, and was somewhat surprised! It really wasn't half bad. My memories of Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick are vague at best. Extremely stupid, and dull, I have no idea why I went to see this movie. A friend of mine was super hyped for it, for some God unknown reason, so I suppose that's why. In any case, the movie starts with my man Vin Diesel, known as Richard B, Riddick ( what a name!) wandering some sort of desert planet like Tattoine. Apparently after the events of the second film, he was dumped here, having been lead to believe it was his home planet. Anyway, as it begins Riddick is injured, and being hunted by random animals. Being the badass Riddick is, he uses the terrain to his advantage, and the monsters against each other, in a way only he can. The one creature is some sort of tiger/hyena hybrid, and the other is a part snake, part Murloc. Yeah, the movie is super creative. Did I mention Vin Diesel sees super well in the dark, and everything in a fabulous purple spectrum during the day ? I think it's some sort of super power.
Riddick tames a cub of the tiger/hyena, and it becomes his best friend. They go on wacky traveling adventures together, and eventually decide it's time to leave the planet. The reason why ? The Murloc snake things are slowly taking over the planet. Who wouldn't want to live on such a fantastical with such beautiful creatures? So he wanders til he stumbles upon a outpost station for bounty hunters, and calls them, more or less saying "Hey guys come party!"Two bounty hunter teams show up, one of which is lead by the father of someone from Pitch Black! Dun dun dun! Tension! What follows is an extremely predictable plot where anyone who is an asshole dies, and Vin Diesel does bad ass things. There's also a world ending storm a looming, so it's a race against the clock to escape. Yep, this movie can be summed up as "Vin Diesel is a bad ass, and everything goes his way." There's boobs in it too, but neither of the girls is particularly attractive.
Riddick -6/10.
Oh, and I bought a Fedora. I shall wear it ironically, and tip it to everyone. Naturally I shall refer to everyone as M'lady. My friend said they were stupid, and while I agree, I do so love embarrassing people, and doing stupid things. Like I always say- DARE TO BE STUPID!!!!
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