Mass food review post because Fuck you.

    I had a bunch of fun foods, all bought from the food library as I'm told its called. Since I'm too busy with whatever it is I do with my goddamn time. Mostly school, driving and killing myself at the gym. In any chase Food review- RREEEEEAAAAADDYYYY! GO!

    First up are these delicious Iron Man 3 fruit snacks!Fuck yeah!

 

Yes, yes I know the movie came out 4 months ago, but I have seen it 8 times. That makes me a much bigger Iron Man fan than you. I even have read the comics from 2006 to present, even the recent ones where they decided Tony Stark is some Alien Robot hybrid thing. These fruits snacks are obviously a quick food cash in, and I love things like that! It will never compare to High School Musical cereal, but that is truly an unrealistic standard for any food. These bad boys taste like bland sugary globules, with not discernible fruit taste. The box claims they're made with real fruit, but that's just a clever marketing scam.

 

Here's a shot of them in my hand. They have pictures of your favorite Iron Man shapes naturally. From  Iron Man's head and hand, to The Avengers symbol, and the words Iron Man! Holy shit! These kind of taste like chewu vitamins, but with none of the trace amounts of minerals and other shit to make them vaguely healthy. They chew like rubber, and really do not taste much better. I bump them up with a +2 to the score, as the remind me of Iron Man 3, which I love. 6/10

Next up is a Halloween favorite, Halloween Oreos! Now, these Halloween Oreos are exactly like regular Oreos, but with orange filling and Halloween centric images on the flip side! Holy Shit!

 As you can see the packages has witches on it, worshiping the delicious disc. Do not worry young God fearing fellows and lady fellows, these are not Satanic or related to Wicca in any way. You can enjoy them without worry for your eternal soul. There are maybe two or three people in the world who have not had an Oreo, so let me describe the taste. The cookie part takes like a bitter chocolate that is overloaded with sugar. It has a rough texture, and it leaves black crud in your bowl of milk, and your mouth. Perhaps you don't eat your Oreos with milk ? What kind of life do you live ? The filling is vanilla, but the orange makes it taste better. Like how drinks always taste better with a straw. For a real challenge get some whole milk and try to eat a whole package in one sitting. My personal best was all but four cookies, I fed those final four to my dog. Then I had a headache from the sugar rush and had to take a nap. My life is truly pain. Oreos-8/10.

     Overall in my lifetime, there has never been a cereal that I have stuffed myself more with than Captain Crunch. I will never get sick of the delicious taste- because me and the Captain, we make in Happen!

    I'm fairly certain Captain Crunch has been around since ancient times. It was made by the Egyptians building the pyramids, as a food that would never go bad when buried with their Pharaohs. Since then it has been refined, and had more varieties added. The pharaohs only had regular Captain Crunch. Not yet invented was my personal favorite Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries, or Oops! All berries. They certainly didn't have the recent addition of Cinnamon Bun Crunch(which is muy fabulouso!), or Christmas Crunch, as Christmas had not been invented.  On to the taste!

   The first thing you notice is how delicious the Crunch Berries look. You see the ridges on the regular pieces and think that shit will tear up your mouth! It will, as will the crunch berries. When you begin to chew on these sugary rocks, it almost feels like the roof of your mouth is being torn apart, as if sandpaper is rubbing on it. Do not worry, the sweet tasting nuggets will coat your mouth with some sort of sugary film that will stay with you longer after the bowl if empty. To be honest, these taste like every other breakfast cereal, but  are much rougher, and less colorful. Still it's got a pirate on the box, and my dad buys multiple boxes per shopping trip. Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries- 6.5/10.

   
Finally is the recently (sort of) released Mountain Dew Kickstart. It's only a dollar, making it the cheapest drink you can buy at a store right next to the register!

    I remember hearing about this drink as some sort of breakfast thing ? The can proudly proclaims it is 5% juice, which is to mislead fatties and idiots into thinking that the concoction is healthy. Trust me, it ain't, like at all. Even worse I received the lamest energy boost ever from it. I may have acaffeine tolerance equivalent to a two year meth heads meth tolerance, but I expected it to Kickstart my heart. It did nothing of the sort. Taste wise, it is a combination of flat Mountain Dew, and a horse's necktie. For those not in the know, a horse's necktie is when you mix ginger ale and orange juice. Whoever came up with the name probably pulled the term out of his ass, but things need names, so whatever. The color kind of resembles dark piss, like if you were dehydrated or something. There really is nothing good about this drink, and the fruit punch flavor is even worse than the orange. After all the special edition Dew flavors that were fucking delicious, I thought these guys could make the most delicious energy drink in existence. I mean, AMP is okay and all, but it has nothing on Voltage, or Code red. Why not combine them with an energy drink ? Fuck me I'm going to try this next time I don't sleep and have to go to class. Kickstart-2/10. It didn't kill me at least.

So in conclusion:
Iron Man 3 fruit snacks- 6/10
Halloween Oreo-8/10
Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries-6.5/10
Mountain Dew Kickstart-2/10

Next time I'll hopefully have some grease sandwiches aka Jimmy Dean Croissant sandwiches, Aldi's sausage, that bacon that's in the basement fridge, and my personal favorite, the light of my life- Yummy Dino Buddy Chicken Nuggets! 100% all natural!