Transf4mers Age of Extinction The greatest film ever created by man.

There are people in this world who believe Michael Bay isn't the greatest film maker ever. Hard to believe right ? Even crazier is that there are people who will not see age of extinction, let alone only see it once! Personally I plan on seeing it at least 5 times, possibly more. I've only seen it twice so far, and I have barely scraped the depth of this masterpiece.

  We all know the story by now, Some good robots beat the shit out of bad robots and vice versa. So what's different this time around ? It's bigger and better in every possible way (Though I miss The Beef). The entire human cast has been wiped away as well, say goodbye to Shia Labeouf, and hello to Marky Mark Wahlberg. For some this may be seen as an improvement, though personally I miss Shia Labeouf. His neurotic, screaming constantly, and full of energy. Marky Mark comes off as more of a generic action hero, with him actually shooting an alien gun at the big bad in the final climax battle. To be fair though, Shia did take out Starscream, but that isn't a big accomplishment in the grand scheme of things.

    The film also take place 4 years after the battle of Chicago, aka the climax of Dark of the moon, and all Transformers are being hunted down, Autobot or Decepticon, it doesn't matter to Kelsey Grammer. They're all bad guys in his book. That doesn't stop him from teaming up with Lockdown, the big bad of the film. Lockdown is a bounty hunter sent by the mysterious creators (Quintesson? Unicron ? Primus?)  to capture Optimus Prime.In exchange he gets a seed to turn organic material into what the Transformers are made of, Transformium. So why does he want the seed ? To give to a company that has begun making their own Transformers, and get rich. America!
 
    Our hero Marky Mark is a poor inventor with a hot daughter who struggles to make ends meet. While checking out an old theater for things to sell, he finds a beat up old truck that he believes he can sell for parts. He takes it home, and discovers it's an Autobot, Optimus Prime! What a strange coincidence.  Since the movie wouldn't go anywhere without trouble, the government's secret agency  finds out the Markster is hiding Optimus, and descend upon is property. Some shit happens, and their house explodes in classic Bay stay, and the gang is on the run. They lose Marky Mark's best friend, but gain his daughter's generic boyfriend. Naturally he and Marky Mark clash, as do our current group of Autobots.

     The only remaining Autobots from the previous film are Brains, Bumblebee, and Optimus Prime. The newcomers are
Drift- a samurai that turns into a Helicopter and Bugatti.
Hound- an old friend of Optimus and weapons expert, essentially the robot embodiment of his voice John Goodman.
Crosshairs-A Corvette that seems to hate everyone, complete with a trench coat, though sadly no fedora.
The years on the run have been tough on the autobots. They bicker like Children, and can't seem to stand one another. Drift and Bumblebee hate each other, Crosshairs hates everyone, and Optimus hates the humans. Getting this crew to work together will not be an easy task, especially teaming them up with humans, who have been hunting them and killing their comrades.

The plot of this movie is generic and stupid as hell. It is a summer blockbuster, so it should be judged on fun factor and enjoyment, and for me it definitely succeeds in both regards.  It has robot battles out the ass, takes place over two continents, and features some of the best looking cars I've ever seen. Top it off with Optimus and his gang riding the Dinbots, Giant Robot dinosaurs into battle in China, and you have one hell of a movie. It is a bit long at 2 hours and 45 minutes, but I was never bored with it. My main issue was the Dinobots were mute, and showed up about 20 minutes from the end. Another annoyance was the ending, where Optimus Prime flies off into space like he's fucking Superman or whatever.  Still it doesn't sway my love of the bay- 999999/10. Go see it now! I wouldn't recommend the 3D version, the visual effects started to give my friend and I headaches around two hours in.  Now it's time to see it Five or so more times.

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On a related note, don't ever play Transformers rise of the Dark Spark. it's a broken mess of a game, and a headache for anyone who attempts it. The second level is the hardest, with tiny drones being as strong as Megatron that like to rape you hard and fast, and cannot be targeted with the awful Camera. The controls are a mess, especially on any level that contains jumping. The plot is nonsense, and random glitches will just happen- ranging from bullets to just go through your enemy to cutscenes not triggering due to broken code. I suffered through this game, and would advise anyone else to stay away. The only decent part was splaying as Grimlock, and even that was dull and glitchy. 2/10, but only for Grimlock. Otherwise this turd would be a zero.

Year end Movie rankings!

Fancy white folks with their credibility and their opinions do this, so why can't I ? The toughest part is deciding the worst movies after The Counselor, because I've seen some shitty shit.

1. Pacific Rim-10/10: Then best use of robots since Transformers Dark of the moon.
   2.       Iron Man 3-9/10: The best use of Robert Downey Jr. Since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
   3.       Prisoners-9/10: Proving that I don’t have completely horrible taste in films
   4.       Hunger Games Catching Fire-9/10: When did Katniss get hot?
   5.       Frozen-9/10-: Disney does it again!
   6.       Gravity-9/10: I really wanted to hate this pretentious garbage, but I couldn’t.
   7.       Berserk Golden Age 3 Descent-9/10: Now adapt another arc!
   8.       Man of Steel-8/10: A Superman movie I love? No way!
   9.       Wolverine-8/10: Wolverine kicks ass in Japan, need I say more?
   10.   Don Jon-8/10: It’s like my life with anime replacing the sex!
   11.   Fast and Furious Six-7/10: They took down a plane and a tank! Fuck yeah!
   12.   Kick Ass 2-7/10: Seriously, why did this get hate, it was great!
   13.   Prison Break-7/10: Stallone does it again!
   14.   Thor Dark World-7/10: A really stupid Thor Sequel mixed with Star Wars.
   15.   Pain and Gain-7/10: Yes you made a movie not about explosions. Now where’s my Transf4mers?
   16.   RIPD-7/10: The best Men in Black rip off no one saw.
   17.   Ender’s Game-7/10: An awesome movie about fighting aliens, with Harrison Ford!
   18.   Oblivion-7/10: Another Tom Cruise Sci-Fi flick? I’ m so there.
   19.   Elysium-7/10: A cool movie with nauseating action scenes.
   20.   Warm Bodies-7/10: Twilight done right!
   21.   World War Z-7/10: The best zombie movie since Warm Bodies.
   22.   The Place Beyond the Pines-6/10: Two cool acts can’t make up for the third.
   23.   Evangelion 3.0 You Can (Not) Redo-6/10. What was this shit, seriously?
   24.   Riddick-6/10: There are worse movies out there.
   25.   Star Trek into Darkness-5/10: I expected better Orci and Kurtzman.
   26.   Monster’s University-5/10: Generic kiddie fair.
   27.   Frozen Ground-5/10: I came for Vanessa Hudgens, I stayed for John Cusak.
   28.   Spring Breakers-5/10: I guess if you wanted a movie about bikinis and robbing this is for you!
   29.   Sharknado-4/10: You get exactly what the title says.
   30.   Oz The Great and Powerful-4/10: Special effects can’t save this mess.
   31.   G.I. Joe Retallion-4/10: Stop putting Bruce Willis and the Rock in everything damnit!
   32.   The Canyons-2/10: Not even Lindsay Lohan’s sagging tits could save this.
   33.   Bullet to the Head-2/10: Stallone and Han have zero chemistry, it’s hard to watch.
   34.   Walking with Dinosaurs 3D-2/10: It was great til they talked.
   35.   Only God Forgive-1/10: What was this?
   36.   Getaway-0/10: I don’t know how this exists, I saw it ironically though.
   37.   A Good Day to Die Hard-0/10: Bruce Willis should retire already.
   38.   The Last Stand-0/10: Johnny Knocksville and Arnold do not make for a good film.
   9001: The Counselor- (-6/10): The worst movie ever made, fuck this sideways and upside-down.
   
   
   I still have to see:
   The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
   Out of the Furnace
   American Hustle
   Secret Life of Walter Mitty
   Grudge Match 
   47 Ronin
   Wolf of Wall Street
   
   
   Though I'm sure they won't top Pacific Rim.

The Counselor- The shittiest movie I have ever seen.

    Today I saw a movie so terrible, I must immortalize it's impact of awfulness on my life. Which is to say I have a new standard for shitty movies, a scale beginning with the Counselor at 0/10.

You think with all these big names actors, it couldn't be completely awful. You'd be wrong.

    I went into this movie with middling hopes. I liked Riddley Scott enough, and No Country for Old Men enough, plus the trailer made this movie appear to be a fun ride of violence and sex. I got no fun, but there was violence, and sex . . . with a car. Cameron Diaz's stunt double fucks the windshield of a Ferrari, and cums on it. What the flying fuck. Seriously, this movie feels like a bunch of random scenes, poorly held together with characters overlaping.
        The movie begins with an awkward sex scene between the titular Counselor( Michael Fassbender), and Penelope Cruz. I don't think anyone other than a few of the leads had names, and I can't be asses to look them up at this juncture in time. Or ever.  Then it manages to become an incoherent pain ride, much like being dragged by a car through five miles of broken glass.I would prefer the glass dragging than ever watching this again.
     Somehow the Counselor gets involved in a plot to smuggle cocaine, though its never explained how. He just is, for some fucking reason. The spiky haired Mexican guy is some sort of drug lord who fucks Cameron Diaz, and hangs out with Cheetahs. The cheetahs are the only good part of this film, trust me, and they're on screen for like 2 minutes tops. What follows is a drug shipment getting stolen, and lots of decapitating. Death too, because everyone in this film should suffer for being involved in it. Let me give you the run down- Brad Pitt ? Dead. Spiky Haired Mexican ? Dead. Penelope Cruz ? Dead. Random Motorcycle Mexican ? Dead. Most of them by decapitation. Since I suppose its edgy or some shit.
    The film felt like a bunch of film students got together with four other groups of film students, filmed a bunch of scenes randomly with one or two characters overlapping, and edited it all together, and called it a day. People basically are introduced to poorly forward the plot, and usually to die, again by decapitation. Awesome. I really don't understand how a movie with so many good actors could be so fucking awful. There's no tits either, guess you're stuck re-watching Vanilla Sky to see Penelope Cruz's funbags. It can't be helped.

    Yay for boobs. The Counselor - -47/10. Fuck you, it's a number.

Pacific Rim- The greatest movie ever! Til Transformers: Age of Extinction

"There are things you can't fight - acts of God. You see a hurricane coming, you get out of the way. But when you're in a Jaeger, you can finally fight the hurricane. You can win."-Raleigh Beckett.

   I am beyond biased for this movie. I wouldn't so much call this as review, as I would call it me gushing over how much I loved this movie, and how cool I think it looks. Read on if you like pretty pictures and ramblings!
      The movie begins with Monsters known as Kaiju coming out of sea, and basically attacking humanity. after taking the first one out, more kept coming. There's a rift in the Pacific Ocean that these beasts keep coming from, which is indestructible.They needed something that could fight these beasts on equal terms- thus the creation of  giant robots known a Jaegers. They needed pilots- two working in tandem, one person could not handle the mental strain. They needed to be drift compatible- able to open their minds to one another and connect. Naturally this invaded everything in the world, from merchandise, to Jager pilots being treated like celebrities.

ALL OF MY WANT!

  Enter our lead Raleigh Beckett- pilot of Gipsy Danger with his brother Yancy. They aren't the best at sports or school, but they could fight, and were drift compatible.

    They hear the warning alarm, and its' time to get out there in Gipsy Danger and throw down with a Monster! Fuck me this movie is amazing already! The beast is called Knifehead:

  Just when they think he's down and out, he pops up, claiming the life of Yancy:

   Raleigh manages to take down the beast, and pilot a wrecked Gipsy back to shore, before collapsing.

   The movie skips ahead now five years- Raleigh working construction on a wall to supposedly keep out the Kaiju, and the Yeager project is nearing its end. The pilots aren't as good as the earlier ones, and the Kaiju keep getting stonger.

    Stacker Pentecost, the head of the Kaiju resistance comes recruiting Raleigh, basically telling him the world's ending, come help us and pilot your robot. Yeah, this movie isn't strong on plot, but visuals and fun ? 999999/10

Striker Eureka- the Australian 5th Gen Jaeger

Token Asian and Raleigh co pilot

wacky scientists.

The Shatterdome

Crimson Typhoon- don't get too attached.

Cherno Alpha- once again don't get attached.

Ivan Drago and his wife.

The Aussies

Kaiju Biology class.

We put the bomb in the hole!

  Anyway the few remaining Jeagers are planning to drop a nuclear bomb into the rift the Kaiju are coming from. The token Asian is selected as Raleigh's new co-pilot, and its revealed that she was saved, and then raised by Stacker when she was a young girl. Yep- Stacker was a Jeager pilot.

  During the activation tests for Gipsy, The wacky doctor number on attempts to drift with a Kaiju- and succeeds! He realizes that Kaiju are created by some sort of masters to take over earth. However, the brain he has is incomplete, and is sent to someone who might have a few lying around!

It is a Del Toro movie, of course he'd make an appearance.

Enter Hannibal Chow- a man who finances the Jaeger program by selling the Kaiju parts on the black market. It's been too long without a battle, so our reward is two Kaiju to battle! Fuck yes! Every suit except Gipsy out! Gispy had compatiblity issues during the start up, so it's on ice.

Hong Kong

  The Jeagers are scrambled, and Cherno Alpha and Crimson Typhoon are smacked down like bitches. It's up to Striker to do it, however an electo pulse generated by one of the Kaiju knocks out Striker's systems, the Shatterdome, and Hong Kong. Oh Noes! Gipsy in Analog though- time to shine Token Asian!

Yep, they shoot it in the eye with a flare gun.

  During all this Hannibal reveals he too once drifted with a Kaiju, and sens crazy scientist one to the public shelter.

 Time for Gipsy to shine! Taking on two Kaiju, one after the other ? Oh snap this is hardcore.

Yep, he uses the tanker as a weapon.

 As you can see in the gorgeous pictures above, Gispy does it. Now it's time to check in on wacky scientist number one, and is shortly joined by wacky scientist  two!

   They drift together with the newborn Kaiju baby ( one of the defeated was pregnant) and find out the rift reads the Kaiju like a scanner, and opens the rift to them. Time to head back to base and tell everyone!

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

  The older Aussie pilot was injured, so Stacker steps up to pilot. He was told he would die if he piloted again ( due to early Jaegers not exactly being safe), but personally, I was hoping the dog would do it.  Anyway time to take qda nuke to the rift! Unfortunately two more Kaiju pop out of the rift, followed by the biggest Kaiju yet- a category five! Fuck!

  Gipsy loses an arm, and has a heavily damaged leg, and Strike Self Destructs to take out the Kaiju.Unfortunately the category five isn't affected, so Gipsy Improvises.

  Gipsy grabs onto the Kaiju, and dives into the rift. Activating it's chest turbine, it burns a hole through the Kaiju and kills it. Now it's time to destroy the rift!

Kaiju's master.

My favorite shot, by far.

    Gispy explodes, taking out the tunnel, and the pilots escape. Another Happy ending! til the sequel, which I am already salivating over.

   I love this movie so much. I saw it in theaters three times, and loved it a little more each time. Unlike every other movie that's released right now it's not based on an existing property, it's an original story. It's a great mix of fun and action, and the CG is beautiful. I wish there were more movies like this. Del Toro is love! Pacific Rim 999999999999999999/10

Where is my Goddamn shoe ?