An MS Paint masterpiece: Darbra, The Worst Dog Ever!

I did this in ms paint, as I feel it is the most hilarious art canvas available to me.

To celebrate how Fedoracore Riddick was, I bought a Fedora!

   I cannot in good conscience start a blog post about Riddick, without posting the legendary Riddickulous poetry!
       "EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. ITS CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECRO BASTARDS OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXY’S MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JERKS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNING. THEN I LIFT"

     What a brilliant work of art that is, I hope someday I can churn out something half as good as it.  I any case, down to Riddick. I went into this film expecting a piece of utter ass, and was somewhat surprised! It really wasn't half bad. My memories of Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick are vague at best. Extremely stupid, and dull, I have no idea why I went to see this movie. A friend of mine was super hyped for it, for some God unknown reason, so I suppose that's why. In any case, the movie starts with my man Vin Diesel, known as Richard B, Riddick ( what a name!) wandering some sort of desert planet like Tattoine. Apparently after the events of the second film, he was dumped here, having been lead to believe it was his home planet. Anyway, as it begins Riddick is injured, and being hunted by random animals. Being the badass Riddick is, he uses the terrain to his advantage, and the monsters against each other, in a way only he can. The one creature is some sort of tiger/hyena hybrid, and the other is a part snake, part Murloc. Yeah, the movie is super creative. Did I mention Vin Diesel sees super well in the dark, and everything in a fabulous purple spectrum during the day ? I think it's some sort of super power.

     Riddick tames a cub of the tiger/hyena, and it becomes his best friend. They go on wacky traveling adventures together, and eventually decide it's time to leave the planet. The reason why ? The Murloc snake things are slowly taking over the planet. Who wouldn't want to live on such a fantastical with such  beautiful creatures? So he wanders til he stumbles upon a outpost station for bounty hunters, and calls them, more or less saying "Hey guys come party!"Two bounty hunter teams show up, one of which is lead by the father of someone from Pitch Black! Dun dun dun! Tension! What follows is an extremely predictable plot where anyone who is an asshole dies, and Vin Diesel does bad ass things.  There's also a world ending storm a looming, so it's a race against the clock to escape. Yep, this movie can be summed up as "Vin Diesel is a bad ass, and everything goes his way." There's boobs in it too, but neither of the girls is particularly attractive.

Riddick -6/10.

Oh, and I bought a Fedora. I shall wear it ironically, and tip it to everyone. Naturally I shall refer to everyone as M'lady. My friend said they were stupid, and while I agree, I do so love embarrassing people, and doing stupid things. Like I always say- DARE TO BE STUPID!!!!

Getaway from this horrible eye cancer.

   Yesterday I saw the worst movie ever created. I feel safe in saying this, as I have watched many craptastic movies, from The Room to almost every Van Damme flop(This excludes Timecop, as that was awesome). Getaway is the name of this blight on cinema, and it deserves to be hated. Initially I was interested in it when I heard about it having a 0% on Rotten tomatoes. Personally, I love all the Transformers movies, yes even Revenge of the Fallen, so the scores critics give to movies mean nothing to me. Though when a movie has a 0 out of a possible 100, you know it's utter shit. Some toolbag critic wrote a positive review on this wasted of an hour and half, bringing it's score up to 2%. I was undeterred by this, I had a movie to see. Ironically, of course. I found out the douche who gave the movie a positive review was employed by a site that interviewed the director of Getaway. It deserved the 0% dammit! 

    When my friend and I showed up, the theater was empty. It was Labor day, and this was definitely a bad sign. Unfortunately, close to 20 people showed up by the time the previews started, most of which were couples in their 50s. Were they confused and thought it was The Steve McQueen moving picture show of their youth ? These people did lower my faith in humanity a few notches, which shouldn't be possible. To make the experience truly complete, the attached some of the shittiest trailers I've ever seen. Gravity, Don Jon, and Prisoners, hell even the names are dull and unimaginative. Then there was a black screen that lasted five minutes, which watching for the entire length of the movie would be better then what I saw.

     The movie starts off like every other bad action movie. A white trash looking dude (Ethan Hawk) stumbling through his wrecked house. It was on Christmas of course, or shortly before, since holiday tie ins always make a movie memorable. Move over Jingle all the Way, I have a new favorite holiday flick! Everyone knows that choppy flashbacks improve the story, so next we are treated to a montage of his wife opening the door to a stranger and struggling. Since that is just what this movie needed. Since just standing around in his generic looking house with broken ornaments would make for a lame movie, he receives a call from the kidnapper! Dun Dun DUN! The kidnapper calls him and says if he ever wants to see his wife, he needs to go steal this tricked out Mustang with cameras all over it, and crash into various things. Yes, this plot is that thinly veiled.

     After driving through a park and crashing into cars, he pulls into a parking garage. Who should be there, but Selena Gomez! With a gun! Holy fuck this is some edgy ass shit. She wears a had and a hood, to show how goddamn hardcore she is. Easily disarmed by our white trash hero, she is drawn into this god forsaken piece of dreck. The entire movie is Selena Gomez swearing, and pretending she is some sort of hacker who knows confidential bank data( as believable and Vin Diesel would be as a scientist), and Ethan Hawk Driving like a boss. Apparently in his past he was a race car driver! To illustrate how awesome he is, we get close to 50 shots of his boots shifting gears and hitting the gas. They were most likely the same shot, since I can only fathom the Mustang cost half the movie's budget. The best part of the Mustang, is where it came from! It was Selena Gomez's character's car! She then talks about opening up cams and shit, since she definitely looks like a gearhead to me.

     Why is the “Voice” as the credits call him, forcing Ethan Hawke to do this ?I'm not going to spoil this, as you be some sort of masochist and attempt to sit through this. I can assure you wholeheartedly though, that it is extremely stupid. I loathe this movie, everything about it. I hate Selena Gomez and her fat pouty alien baby face. She looks like she is 12, and I do not understand anyone infatuation with her. She didn't even have a goddamn name. This movie takes place in Bulgaria, for reasons no one will ever understand. Ethan Hawke's character claims his wife is from there, but her name is Leanne. Last time I checked, that was a name from the southern parts of the United states of Murica. My brain physically hurt after viewing this. Stay away unless you have severe brain damage, or a man crush on Ethan Hawke. 0/10

Here's a referential list of Ryoma's favorite summer movies!

1.Pacific Rim- Best movie since Michael Bay's masterpiece Transformers: Dark of the Moon.99999999/10
2.Iron Man 3-Best use of Robert Downey Jr. since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.9/10
3.Man of Steel- Finally a good Superman movie. 8.5/10
4.The Wolverine- makes me want to take Steroids and grow a beard.8/10

5. Kick Ass 2- I don't remember the first one, but this was some fun ass shit. Even if it borrowed from Spider-man more than it should. 7/10

6.Elysium- Matt Damon in Space ? I'm sold. Too bad the action sequence were a nauseous mess. 7/10
7. R.I.P.D. - Better than Men in Black, all of them. 7/10
8. World War Z- Best zombie movie since Resident Evil Afterlife.6.5/10
9.Fast & Furious 6- My brain melted during the Tank scene, and when the Airplane appeared, shit got awesome FAST! 💣☠ﾠ/✈
10. Star Trek: Into Darkness- Completely predictable and dull. I expect better from Kurtzman and Orci 5/10

9001. Getaway. Fuck this gay earth. -999999/2

 

My gym membership includes free blow jobs

I have a fun story for you! Today while I was getting my lift on, some black chick was staring at me. She asked me if I needed a spotter, and when I refused, she asked if she could watch me workout. Then she starts talking to me, and after bsing a bit, she tells me she makes porn videos. I poker faced that shit like a champ, and tried to find out more. She eventually told me that she has sex for money, and that she started when she was 17. Then she starts asking me when the last time I had sex was, and asking me what I was doing afterwards. She told me she lived down the street, and lived alone.She said she didn't even want money from me. What a flatterer!   I kept playing dumb to pull out more hilarious information. The last piece of the puzzle was that she works at the Wal-Mart in mentor. It all made sense then. Unfortunately, she wouldn't tell me how many guys she slept with. I left and told her Id see her around, aka avoid her like the plague from now on. What a story Mark!